My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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