My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
