I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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