Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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