What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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