Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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