cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
