my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
