When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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