I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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