I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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