If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
