Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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