dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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