you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
