Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
