we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
