From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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