While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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