I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
