Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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