people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
