I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
