im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
