life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
