I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Come see our sink grown plant.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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