shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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