seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
