five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How does it feel to date your dad?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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