I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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