After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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