how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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