The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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