She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
