i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
