i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
