I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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