Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
