I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
