btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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