New invention idea: vibrating tampons
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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