My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
