just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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