The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
