I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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