Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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