never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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