Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize