Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
