I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
