one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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