I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
