My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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