Im at strip club and am horny
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
