he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
