Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
