I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
