apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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