Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
