I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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