if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
