my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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