Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
