Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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